Interesting SMS’es


To Be Continued…..

OSAMA IN PARADISE

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!”

Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.

Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.

Bin Laden groaned, “This is not what I was promised!”

The angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?”


LOVE

He met her after a long break up.
He told her : Sorry, I’ve met a new one, I have a new girlfriend and another future..
How about your life?
……She closed her eyes to hide her tears, Remembered all the memories she shared with him, She remembered how she shared his pain before his happy moments and how she refused many other boys just to stay with him.

She kept the remains of her pride and collected her force,
smiled and said : Sorry Sir, but do i know you …….


THINGS TO PROVE YOU’RE A BOMBAYITE

1. You say ‘town ‘ and expect everyone to know that this means south of Churchgate. X_X
2 You speak in a dialect of Hindi called ‘Bambaiya Hindi’,
which only Bombayites can understand. ({})
3. Your door has more than three locks. =))
4. Rs 500 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
5. Train timings ( 9.27 , 10.49 etc) are really important events of life.
6. You spend more time each month traveling than you spend at home.
7. You call an 8′ x 10′ clustered room a Hall.
8.. You’re paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room flat, the size
of walk-in closet and you think it’s a ‘steal.’
9. You have the following sets of friend: school friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, office friends and yes, train friends, a species unique only in Bombay.
10. Cabbies and bus conductors think you are from Mars
if you call the roads by their Indian name,
they are more familiar with Warden Road, Peddar � Road, Altamount Road
11. Stock market quotes are the only other thing* besides cricket
which you follow passionately.
12. The first thing that you read in the Times of India is the
‘ Bombay Times’ supplement.
13. You take fashion seriously.
You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
14.. Hookers, beggars and the homeless are invisible.
15. You compare Bombay to New York ‘s Manhattan instead of any other cities of India.
16. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
17. You insist on calling CST as VT, and Sahar and
Santacruz airports instead of Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport.
18. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
19. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
20. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
21.Url dress up half naked (boxers) n think itz kool
22. You love wading through knee deep mucky water in the monsoons, and actually call it ”romantic’.
23. Only in Bombay, you would get Chinese Dosa and
Jain Chicken


WHAT IS INDIAN POLITICS

Child : what is indian politics ?

Father : I run the home so i am the government, your mom is the opposition, our maid is the working class, we look after you, so you are the people and your younger brother is the future.

At night the boy heard his brother crying as his nappy got dirty.so he went to his mother. She was sleeping. Then he went to the maid’s room where he saw his father kissing the maid. He went back to sleep.

Next day boy to father: Now i understand politics clearly. Government is F***ing the working class. opposition is sleeping. people are ignored & the future is in deep shit…


TRUE LOVE

A boy and a girl Loved each other very much.
Unfortunately the Girl Died.
Boy was Upset so much;
and he couldn’t Stop his Tears.
………He kept on Crying Day and Night.
Many People gave Sympathy,
but no Argument could Stop His Tears.
One Night He Slept and had a Dream;
He saw the Girl in Heaven with so many Girls of Her age.
He felt Relax..
But He Noticed that every Girl was in Fairy Dress;
and had a Lightened Candle in their Hands,
but his GF had a Candle which was not Lightened..! .
He asked Her:
“Y Ur Candle is not Lightened?”
She said:
“Whenever I enlighten My Candle; Ur Tears fall on it..!
Please Stop Crying.


HEART TOUCHING STORY

-jab maine pehli bar daru pi..
Main apni nazaro mei gir gaya…
Aur maine daru chhorne ka faisla kiya .
Par fir jab maine un tamam daru ki factory ke majdoor,
unke biwi bachon ke baare mei socha to meri aankh bhar ayi
or maine usi pal decide kia ki ab se I’l drink regularly
Apne liye to sab jete hai kabhi dusro ke liye bhi
jee ke dekho ACCHA LAGTA HAI!


TRUE MEANING

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes
(A) Almost tits
(B) Barely there
(C) Can’t Complain!
(D) Damn!
(DD) Double Damn!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake
(G) Get a Reduction
(H )Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up


TALE OF CHANDRASEKHAR SUBRAMANIUM

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up:?’Patrick Henry, 1775’he said.

‘Very good! Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln , 1863’
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history
than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘F ___ the Indians,’ ‘Who said that?’ she
demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say
anything else, I’ll kill you.’ Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the
top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’ And Chandrasekhar
said quietly, ‘I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008’.


TRUE LOVE

A Girl and guy were speeding over 100 Mph on the road on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, i’m scared
Boy: No This is fun
Girl: No it’s not. Please i’m too scared
Boy: then tell me you love me
Girl: Fine, I LOVE U. Slow down
Boy: Now give me a BIG BIG Hug
Girl Hugs the boy tightly…
Boy: Can you take my helmet Off & put it on yourself? its bugging me

In the newspaper next day. A Motorcycle had crushed into a building bcs of brake failing. The two people were on it, only one girl survived
The truth was that halfway down the road the guy relized that his brakes were broken, but didn’t let the girl Know, Instead he had her say she loved him and felt her tight hig one last time then had wear his helmet so that she would live even though in meant that He would die!


HAPPY REALISATION

In São Paulo state, a guy felt sick and fell down in the middle of the street. He was taken to the emergency dept. of a private hospital run by Catholic nuns.
There, the doctors realized he had to undertake a heart surgery in no time, which was done successfully.
When he woke up, by his side there was the finance department manager, a nun, who told him promptly: ‘Dear sir, your surgery was a success and you are saved. However, some matter wants your immediate attention: how do you intend to pay the hospital bill? Do you have a health care plan?’
‘no, sister.’
‘Do you have a credit card?’
‘No, sister.’
‘Cash?’
‘I dont have cash on me, sister.’
‘A cheque, then?’
‘Either, sister.’
‘Well, do you have any relative who can be charged?’
‘Ah, sister, I have only a spinster sister, she is a nun, but she has not a nickel’.
The manager nun corrected saying: ‘Pardon me, but I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!’ ‘Excellent! Then, send the bill to my brother-in-law!’


UNTOLD MESSAGE TO BE TAKEN FROM ZNMD

� Never ever show your girlfriend the gift you got for your Mom or sister.
� Never flirt with your best friend’s girlfriend; he’ll not forgive you till he gets his next.
� Your friend may still accept if you flirt with his girlfriend but never ever mess with his BB.
� Close your room’s door before you video chat with your fiance, rather never video chat with your fiance.
� If hit hard, even tomatoes hurt.
� Love & Sex are beyond any boundaries especially linguistic boundaries.
� If two of the three friends date one girl, and third one somehow couldnt ,he’ll one day call her a bitch.
� And last but not the least ! Holidays are a must – Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara !


BIG FAT WEDDING

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced “Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life..”
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, “My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me..”
The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter.. all except the poor Groom..!!


HOW BOY & GAL TAKE MONEY FROM ATM

How a BOY withdraws cash from an ATM.

1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
………………………….
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from an ATM

1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on


बेचारा मर्द !

अगर औरत पर हाथ उठाये तो – जालिम
औरत से पिट जाये तो – बुजदिल
औरत को किसी के साथ देखकर लड़ाई करे तो – ईर्ष्यालु
चुप रहे तो – बेगैरत
घर से बाहर रहे तो – आवारा
घर में रहे तो – नाकारा
बच्चों को डांटे तो – जालिम
ना डांटे तो – लापरवाह
बीवी को नौकरी से रोके तो – शक्की मिजाज़
ना रोके तो – बीवी की कमाई खानेवाला
माँ की माने तो – माँ का चमचा
बीवी की माने तो – जोरू का गुलाम

उफ़ – ना जाने कब आयेगा “HAPPY MAN’S DAY” !


GIRL TO WOMEN

Between the ages of “15 to 20” a woman like from “africa” ?
she is half discovered & half wild,

between the ages of “20 to 30” a woman from “america” ?
fully discovered & scientifically perfect,

between the ages of “30 to 35” a woman from “india” & “philippines” ?
she is very hot , wise & beautiful,

between the ages of “35 to 40” woman from “france” ?
she is half distroyed after the war but still desirable,

between th ages of “40 to 50” woman from “germany”?
she has lost the war but not the hope ,

between the ages of “50 to 60” woman from “russia” ?
she is like very “wide” , “quite” , but no body goes there ,

between the ages of “60 to 70” woman from “england” ?
she has a glorious past , but not the future ,

between the ages of “70” woman from “nigeria” ?
every body knows where is that place , but no body wants to go there


COST ANALYSIS

WEDDING INVESTMENT: [Average 30 yrs]
Rs. 20,00,000 Marriage expenses
Rs. 30,000 Monthly expenditure
Rs. 3,000 Wife’s monthly maintenance

RETURNS: [SEX]
First 5 yrs Weekly 3 Times
Next 5 yrs Weekly 1 Time
Next 10 yrs Once in 15 days
Next 10 yrs Once in a month

MEANING:
1400 times sex in 30 yrs for an estimated expenditure of a whooping Rs.
1,78,40,000 +

Opportunity cost on Rs. 20,00,000 spent on wedding at 7% for 30 years as per current Post-tax Fixed Deposit Interest rate Rs. 2,98,48,915.68 =
Rs. 4,77,88,915.68 COST

A Man spends Rs. 34,135 for each time he has sex with his wife!
Outsourcing is cheaper!!!


What is Tension?

A beautiful girl asks lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.

Doctor says ‘Congrats. You are going to become a father.’

THAT’S IT. YOU GET TENSED.

You say – ‘But that baby is not mine.’
Girl says – ‘he is only the father of my baby.’

YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes. Which says that you can never become a father.

EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

Anyhow you thank God and return home. Then on the way back home you think, “At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those?”

THIS IS REAL TENSION..


Whos the BOSS

A Guy WAS chatting with a female (never met her directly) Online chat.
(Background, both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC’s )
Hero: Hey…GM (Good Morning)… How’s u doing today?
Female: VGM…Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero: wow…am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep…me too feel the same…Brb (be right back)’ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager: Hey, I need some help from you
Hero: [**** This always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero: I would do that, but I think it’s quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window…)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She’s kinda….. keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work
Female: Yeah, it’s the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number; given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it’s real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that’s a one-hour’s work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT…. YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!


Letter to God

A little boy wanted Rs..50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.
The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:
“Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi , and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax .”


Chemistry of a man

when a man are in there 20’s,,,,,,
every station they want to stop,,,,,,,

when a man are in there 30’s,,,,,,,,
they cn only stop at 1 station,,,,,,,,,

when a man are in there 40’s,,,,,,,,,
they want to stop at every station, but they r not allowed,,,,,

when a man are in there 50’s,,,,,,,,,,,,
they want to stop but they cannot stop,,,,,,,,,,

when a man are in there 60’s,,,,,,,,,,,
they cnt even start , how to stop,,,,,,,,


When God Gives

There once was a man who had nothing for his family to
eat. He had an old rifle and three bullets. So, he decided
that he would go out hunting and kill some
wild game for dinner.

As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at
the rabbit and missed it. The rabbit ran away.
Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the
squirrel and missed it.

The squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood
tree. As he went further, he saw a large wild “Tom” turkey
in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining.
A voice spoke to him and said, “Pray first, aim high
and stay focused.”

However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a
better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But,
then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he
naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.
Still, the voice said again to him, “I said “Pray, Aim
high and Stay focused.”

So, the man decided to listen to God”s voice.
He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and
shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced off the turkey and
killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the snake in the
head and killed it.

And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a
pond.
When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all
his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to eat for his family.

The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man
listened to God. Moral of the story:
Pray first before you do anything, Aim and shoot high
in your goals,
and stay focused on God.

Never let others discourage you concerning your past.
The past is exactly that. “the past.”
Live every day one day at a time and remember that
only God knows our
future and that He will not put you through any more
than you can bear. Do not look to man for your blessings,
but look to the doors that only.
He has prepared in advance for you in your favor.
Wait, be still and patient: keep God first and
everything else will follow.
Pass this on in order that someone else might be
blessed.


21-st Century

Our communication – Wireless
Our dress – Topless
Our telephone – Cordless
Our cooking – Fireless
Our youth – Jobless
Our food – Fatless
Our labour – Effortless
Our conduct – Worthless
Our relation – Loveless
Our attitude – Careless
Our feelings – Heartless
Our politics – Shameless
Our education – Valueless
Our follies – Countless
Our arguments – Baseless
Our boss – Brainless
Our Job – Thankless
Our Salary – Very less
Our Future – Hopeless!

Have a good day, with LESS


Some things you just can’t explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… :O X_X..Some things you just can’t explain…:(:'(”


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